2. The Republicans control the Senate.

3. The President is a Republican.

4. Tax cuts were passed and the American people actually seemed to like them. Go figure!

5. One of your big voter-issues, gun control, just isn't selling with everyday American people concerned about their safety.

6. Democrat politicians keep leaving the party to side with conservatives.

7. Deep inside, you know damn well that killing unborn babies is a really nasty practice, but you can't say that or you'll lose votes.

8. You have to grin, then grit your teeth and bear it whenever Al Gore or Howard Dean takes the stage.

9. Gay people, many infected with the Anally Injected Death Sentence, all want to pat you on the back and be your friend for supporting their most recent pride-parade, the latest hate-crime bill or some other aspect of their anti-family agenda.

10. There's nearly a dozen of your party's politicians competing to be the nominee for a slot you know damn well they can't win.

11. Yet again, Barbara Streisand, Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarrandon, Michael Moore and Janeane Garofalo came off looking like asses-- and that smell appears to still be lingering.

12. That damn Republican living in the White House has some really high approval numbers.

13 Growing numbers of parents keep pulling their kids out of liberal-leaning schools and opting to teach them at home. Meanwhile, the words "failing educational system" echo all across America.

14. Those damn homes-schooled kids keep showing off in national spelling, geography and similar academic competitions. They're getting into leading colleges and universities, scoring at the top of the grading charts and generally succeeding at whatever they do.

15. Even black parents are demanding charter school options and they're beginning to look at home-schooling as an option. Damn ingrates!

16. Extremist groups that support you include: PETA, ELF and ALF. They don't donate much money to the party, but they sure do make a lot of demands.

17. One of your office assistants whose name was Greg until last week, is now asking to be called "Regina". His silk blouse is low-cut, his dress is sequin and his big, blonde wig keeps slipping to one side. Your visiting constituents are obviously uncomfortable with this strange turn of events, but you can't say a damn thing about his appearance because your party's interpretation of "first amendment" means literally, anything goes. On the bright side, you just learned that he let your son feel his new implants. Cool, huh?

18. Senator Robert KKK Byrd.

19. Those damn people over at Fox News keep reporting from a fair-and-balanced perspective and not slanting the news the way you're used to, damn it. Fox's ratings are skyrocketing, CNN is floundering, Jeaneane's talk-show pilot got cancelled while conservatives dominate the radio. Geraldo's on Fox, Paula Zahn's a flop, Hannity is a success and O'Reilly keeps writing those damn books. Something just isn't right.

20. Globally, when people think of your last President, they think of finger shaking, lying, impeachment, rape, wet cigars and crusty semen.